To question one’s purpose in life is about as normal of a human activity as one could possibly do. Recently, I had a long and very frank discussion with a girl about how one ought not to rush love and how the right partner will find you. She viewed it as unnatural and unhealthy to expend so much mental energy on women and approaching them. I naturally scoffed, tell that to my 19 year old kissless, hugless and virgin self, I thought to myself. Had I kept doing the exact same thing that I had been doing, I would’ve likely died alone, and very frustrated.
In the words of Woody Allen “eighty percent of success is just showing up” – for years I’d failed to turn up and then one December I decided to show up. Life took a turn for the better after some initial road-bumps. I cannot say with certainty where I would’ve ended up had I not met people who helped me change lanes, but I’m sure that I wouldn’t have gone down a positive road.
I’m sure that there’s readers out there who will understand me when I say that you feel betrayed by your own biology for years on end when you don’t have a handle on this. You try as hard as you can to learn to live satisfied with what you have, but much like thirst or hunger, the sex drive and the need for love and affection are necessities just like any other. Perhaps your demise won’t be quite as sudden as if you had foregone sustenance, but you will whittle away all the same. You’ll look at couples and feel angry, “why can they feel happiness when I’m so miserable?” you’ll ask yourself
That is how I lived for most of my life, that’s how I probably would’ve continued living my life had it not been for a stroke of luck and a lot of effort. Love, and sex for that matter, seemed to me about as unlikely as one day going to the moon. Sure, it’s possible, but I wouldn’t have bet on it.
I think I am far from being the only one. In fact, I think that it’s the norm. You just have to look at the data and you see a fairly depressing picture. Studies have suggested that the average person could have as few as 5 lifetime sexual partners (depending on age). This includes drunken flings, one night stands, Tinder dates, and all other experience you perhaps don’t want to remember. Meaning that despite being rare, they weren’t necessarily positive experiences. Millennials are mid range, in this assessment with an average of 8.26.
Am I seriously going to believe that within those 8.26 most people were with someone they genuinely clicked with? Considering that there’s about as many types of lovemaking as there’s people, I have my doubts. I mean, put in slightly different terms. Imagine you go to a buffet with literally millions of choices, and a waiter kindly offers to give you a sample of 8.26 of the available dishes. Nevertheless, he also said that you have to choose one of them to fill up on as the buffet is about to close. You likely don’t get your favourite meal within those scanty choices, but you find one you tolerate and you choose that one to double down on. Same with society, they expect you to find your perfect match which you’ll marry and have kids within those 8.26, and never to have curiosity about what may or may not be out there.
8.26 in scientific terms doesn’t even register as the bare minimum in terms of a sample size. In other words, with most people’s lifetime sexual experiences, they can’t really tell with certainty whether something is good or bad, heck they couldn’t really know whether anything is even normal. Is it any wonder that the best correlator of whether two people will sleep with each other is NOT whether they like each other, or have a compatible personality, but the regularity and length that they see each other?
I find that a depressing fact. I mean, people are willing to essentially settle for table scraps because they think that’s “as good as it gets”. It’s silly to even think that out of the millions of people out there, your tiny social circle of at best 250 people (about half of which are women, and even less than that your desired age range, and even less than that your ideal looks and personality) has the person best suited for you.
This is assuming that you know what you’re looking for in the first place. Psychological research suggests we don’t particularly know what we want. In the words of Steve Jobs “people don’t know what they want until you show it to them”. I, for one, have discovered qualities in people over the years that I had never considered, and now they’re things I look for. Had I stayed in my social network I would’ve never experienced many things that have excited me.
This is what throwing yourself out there in the streets does to you. It includes positive randomness into your life. If finding your perfect match is like winning the slot machines, at least you’re pulling the handle rather than gawping at it, hoping that gravity happens to work in your favour. Best part is that it’s free to pull the slot machines. By doing daygame there is no real permanent cost. Sure, you’ll get a bad reaction here and there, but once you get past beginner’s hell, it’s an overwhelmingly positive experience unlike anything else. Usually, at absolute worst, you’ve made someone’s day by giving them positive experiences.
Not only that, but seducing girls is a self development Trojan Horse. All of a sudden you’re caring about fashion, fitness, how to be charismatic, body language, etc – things which you previously might not have given two shits about. Hell, I’ve fallen in love and had great relationships with people I would’ve never otherwise have met had I not struck a conversation with her – so much for “just letting things happen”. Did it end? Yep, but seeing as love tends to change for the worse after a year or so, I think I got out on a very high note. I still very much have a fondness for her. Was it painful? Excruciatingly, first few days when I realised I’d have to be without her I felt physical pain and went down an emotional rollercoaster . Was it worthwhile? Fuck yes!
I was lucky, a lot of people go their whole lives without living such a fantastic story. Just for fun, let’s do a thought experiment to analyse just how unlikely it is to end up with someone you genuinely click with. We’ll use a modified version of the Drake Equation, an equation used to estimate the amount of alien civilisations in the Milky Way, to see how many women I could potentially have deep feelings for. The estimation will hardly be an ironclad result, as the approach is lacking in rigour, plus it’s somewhat ignoring correlations between the variables and it’s assuming that girls are equally distributed all over the world, but it will function as a rough guide:
- About 48.1% of them are between the ages of 15-45
- I speak three languages, Spanish, English and German, but I tend to look for people of a more international background. So, for the most part I want them to be able to speak the world’s lingua franca. I’ll take the EU’s 51% of people who speak English as a baseline, as I intend to live in the EU anyway.
- I want someone with above average, or at the very least average, intelligence. So let’s put the cutoff point at 100 IQ points, which is the average. Given that IQ is normalised as a bell curve at 100, we can take 50% as our number.
- I obviously want someone who I will find attractive, whilst she also finds me attractive. Although not a perfect source, online dating evidence suggests that men find about 50% women attractive, whilst only 20% of women find the average random man attractive.
- I could continue this exercise ad infinitum, I haven’t even begun to consider compatibility in bed for example, but let’s narrow our focus a tad. Finally, I want someone with a sense of humour and who is well read. I’m gonna go on a limb here and say that at most I find one in ten women genuinely funny and cool to hang around with, as most women aren’t funny. To add insult to injury even in the EU, only a paltry 44.8% of people read for leisure.
Now, let’s plug those numbers in and we’ll get our number of girls worldwide I could potentially fall in love with:
In the entire world, there’s 2 million people who fit my criteria, sounds like a lot but let’s think about it. That’s 0.027% of people in the world! If we use the average size of a social circle, 250, a random social circle won’t even include a single one (and I’ve been generous and included the biggest social circle that people can usually manage)! Hell, to meet a single one, you’d have to have a social circle of 3703 – over ten times bigger than the biggest one maintainable, and likely over twenty times bigger than the median. That’s not a guarantee of success, mind you, those odds are just of you meeting each other and having the potential be there. Chances are that the women I’d have the potential to fall in love with are nowhere near in my social circle.
I’m an introvert, I keep my social circle small and selected. Let’s be realistic here, and say that without daygame I meet one new person, with whom I have a genuine conversation with, once a week (gross exaggeration, but still). Let’s assume that I’m “searching” for sixty years, from 18 to 78. That’s 2880 weeks/new people, meaning that in sixty years I would likely not meet a single one if I’d just “let it happen”. Girls have the luxury of saying such trite because they get approached, often more than once per day, their role in the mating dance is a passive and reactionary one – their problem is not one of quantity but quality. A hundred guys might talk with her, but she’ll perhaps be interested in one.
When it comes to sex and love, life tends not to hand men such easy victories. Whether you like it or not, if you want to have this area of your life settled, you have to take matters into your own hands. Take lives like Casanova’s as an example of someone who did so, and thus lived a life of adventure and excitement. He was allegedly intimate with over 120 women, and when you read his pages you can see true love for a good proportion of them, even when he’s writing about his life story in a god forsaken castle in Bohemia, you still see the warmth and caring he had. Not only that, but let’s be honest here, even sex for its own sake without any grander purpose is amazing.
Can any man or woman reading this article, truthfully say they don’t enjoy sex with someone they feel attracted to? Yes, the relationship might not be forever. Things rarely are. But I view it akin to picking a movie. Do you usually ever pick a movie on length? No, for the most part you pick it based on quality. I have rarely outright ever regretted being with anyone, it’s been very positive so far, and honestly don’t see how anyone could claim that I’m lying on this matter.
I believe I’m of the true romantic breed. I’m not a saint, never claimed to be one, never will. But I believe in romance, love, sex – all those amazing sensations. I believe in chance, whenever I go out there; I do not know what I will find but I know that it will usually be a worthwhile experience that may perhaps give me the story of a lifetime.
Some people will claim that this attempt at trying to control fate by “forcing” romance is cynical and will suck the magic right out of life. I have to vociferously disagree, if anything it has made me believe in fantastic chance occurrences even more. Now when I see a classic romantic film like Roman Holiday (watch it, it’s on youtube) I don’t believe that the story is Hollywood trite but I’m reminded of a story that happened to me last year, last month, last week, or even yesterday. If anything, daygame makes life far more worth living and it’s very unlikely I’ll ever change that tune, as it only keeps getting better.