Healthy Drama – what all relationships need

 

healthy drama

Recently I had but a brief facebook spat, wherein a lady said that when a man is told by their partner that they should “do what they want” guys should do the exact opposite and not do so, and listen and do what the woman wants. I pointed out that this would essentially give women absolute control over anything that happens in the relationship, as women would ultimately have unlimited veto power. Not only would this permanently skew the relationship power dynamic to women fully, but a man would be at their beck and call.

I would argue, as a man who has interest in the task of attracting girls, that the fairer sex does not want this. They might think they do, but they don’t. Now, it might initially seem patronising for a man to seem to dictate what women want, but I’m not doing so in the slightest. You ask a fisherman how to fish, not the fish; as the fisherman is privy to patterns that the fish is not.

The power dynamic I established earlier in this article is nothing short of a dysfunctional relationship, wherein girls will slowly bleed their attraction out for their partner in exchange for momentary satisfaction. One day, they shall look at the man they’re with, and wonder where the sexual tension went. Not knowing that they contributed in it wholeheartedly when they sought to control him. Turns out that it’s difficult to respect a man when he’s wrapped around their finger, praying at their altar, happy to do so because they give him the time of day.

I doubt that anyone, but the most insecure of women, genuinely wants a man who will kowtow to their every demand. It might be politically incorrect to say this, but they want a patriarch – a strong man with a purpose, who guides the interaction to a better place than it started in. Why else is it that women often say that one of the things they want the most in a man is to feel safe around him? A father primarily protects their child, makes them feel safe, comfortable, and is the rock in a stormy sea. The child repays this kindness in warmth, affection and caring. Same goes for relationships with men and women. This is not to say women want a domineering man though. The man who constantly has to say “I’m the king” and tries to prove it via petty shows of power is no true king at all – he’s a usurper, who will be dethroned in due course.

We men are the active party in the relationships, we typically start the courtship and dictate its tone. Women, on the other hand, dictate the beat and flow of the interaction (or lack thereof). Men are active, women are reactive – men persist whilst women resist. In either case, the ultimate relationship is one of symbiotic growth.

It’s one where both parties have self worth, one where neither party serves nor rules, and they interact with each other via free and voluntary exchange, as they both get something out of it. There is a big difference between being a leader, and a tyrant.  It is when it starts becoming toxic, when either party starts trying to control the other person, via threats, vetoes, or emotional manipulation where it turns vile. That is the point where you either have to put your foot down to stop such behaviour or dump them, regardless of whether it’s a serious relationship or not – this last statement is of paramount importance for both sexes.

Up to a point, drama is healthy, as it keeps both parties on their toes, and they never take the other one for granted. That’s what we ought to try to avoid in a relationship – stagnation and complacency. It’s completely fine to disagree with your partner. It’s unrealistic that two people with different ways of viewing the world, different biologies and priorities will agree on everything. We’re only humans after all. Airing your problems out is healthy, it allows both parties to reach an understanding sooner or later. It may initially not seem so, as it may cause tension in the short term, but it’s ultimately for the best as both parties know on what to work, and to what extent.

When you’re seeing someone for a prolonged period of time, honesty and openness is the best policy. Otherwise, you will store and repress all those pet peeves, until it explodes like a gas tank under too much pressure. Neither party will understand that this has happened though, and suddenly you’re screaming at each other in the supermarket because you want apples rather than oranges. In that case, the apples of discord are merely a convoluted excuse your subconscious has trumped up to have you work your grievances out. But you likely won’t, because you never established a healthy means of communication, and the stakes will continue to rise, with petty fight after petty fight, until eventually you can’t stand the sight of each other.

If only both of you had been honest and not tried to manipulate the other person into being subservient to your wishes, even if their short term interests are different than your own, maybe then you two might have been able to weather the storm…

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