Tinder Bender – Why you shouldn’t do online dating

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Estimated Time: 3 minutes

Trapped in a small community during university time, where everyone is seeking to protect their social standing and hierarchy makes dating difficult. Nowadays I have no problem whatsoever with walking up to a woman and saying that she’s beautiful. Sometimes you get told to fuck off, sometimes you have the romance of a lifetime, but both situations have two things in common – they’re honest and quick.  You know what is the exact opposite? Tinder.

I gave Tinder a serious try because you can only approach so many people in a small community, lacking in anonymity, before it starts getting awkward to go anywhere. You’ll keep seeing the exact same faces, so you want people to have the right to abstain from interacting with you on a regular basis if they choose to do so. In dating, I think people should have a right to be forgotten. In a big city this is done naturally and without further fuss, if you dislike someone either party loses the contact details of the other person and chances are you’ll never bump into each other again. In a small city, on the other hand, you’ll keep seeing each other, so you can’t be as direct as one would like, for fear of social repercussions. People will judge others for accepting a coffee with a stranger, or a man may get a reputation as a player, just because he’s honest about his feelings. Thus a compromise must be reached. The next best thing turns out to be online dating, as it’s a self selected audience, if you step on toes, it’s toes that willingly put themselves in a situation where they could be stepped on.

Yet, in my perfunctory view of online dating, I’ve come out from the deep end to notice that it’s a poor substitute of real life interactions. Firstly, we have a large problem with the audience: men who will often saturate the airwaves with unwarranted validation and attention, even worse, they might be crass and vulgar about it, giving men a bad reputation and debasing the value of males in the process; then we have the women, who will often go into these sites because they find their life lacking in something, this something might come from difficulties socialising, or lack of self worth, or lack of entertainment, or lack of romance, or lack of emotional stability, etc.

“I’ve been dancing for three hours straight, can we go on a date now?”

Consequently, as a man, you’re often put into the position of dancing monkey. She has a hundred other options, so you have to be the one that stands out by being extra witty, extra good looking, extra entertaining, etc. Worse still, when you consider that women tend to be auditing for a boyfriend, whilst men tend to desire something more casual from the experience. Because of this, if you’re too direct, too fast in asking them out, they’ll often be spooked and you’ll never hear from them again, despite having a pitch perfect interaction up to that point. On the other hand, wait too long, and they’ll think you’re scared shitless and thus will be reticent about going out, as they thought you had to build up the courage to ask them out. Furthermore, that thing that girls might be missing, which drove them to be on the site/app in the first place, despite having hundreds of passive options of sex in their lives, makes it far more likely that they’ll be a headcase, than if you’d just randomly stopped a pretty girl on the street. Add to that, that statistically speaking they’ll have a higher likelihood of STDs, and you start sensing that it might not be a good deal.

No two women are the same, so you have to essentially throw the dice and hope for the best, and you can’t really have an informed decision, as you only have the mask she wore as a means to judge her character. As such, luck seems to be a very strong factor, message the right girl at the right time, and it’ll be smooth sailing, message her at the wrong time and you’ll never hear from her again. In real life, skill and how you manage the situation, has much more of a role to play when attracting girls. Women have more of a difficult time in arbitrarily dismissing someone when he’s standing before them, they have to look at them in the eye and tell them to fuck off. As a man, this initial trepidation is your window of opportunity. If you’re not Adonis incarnate, and your voice isn’t like soft velvet to her ears, this is the moment where you can pitch yourself as someone worthy of her time.

Online dating lacks this, and thus, I think this explains why so many people are unsatisfied with it. There’s no chance for it to be anything but superficial, as superficiality is the only means that the medium allows for interaction. Because of this most dates that you will go on, if you manage to go on them,  will be a far cry from a good match. Both of you might have been playing a role to impress another actor, and then, when the curtain is lifted, the truth is evident – you barely have anything in common and possibly can’t maintain the act that you’d established over text.

As a person, I think you should have greater self respect for yourself. You’re not a slab of meat to be gawked at and dismissed if one finds an unappealing blemish – you’re a human being with thoughts, feelings and goals. If you fail, it should be based on your own faults. If you succeed, it should be on your own coattails. Tinder, and similar avenues, eschew this by offering you the illusion of ease and simplicity. Do not be fooled by the regalia, it is mostly a facade. It’s not impossible to meet worthwhile people on there, it’s just far more difficult than it should be. Instead, if you have the option, go out there and meet people, rather than stare at a screen – you’ll be far happier on average with the people you end up with, and additionally you’ll develop social skills, which will help you gain even more success as well.

EDIT: Just bumped into this video, think it makes a good point as well as to why you should avoid online dating:


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