Lusting for Love – Why People are Unhappy with their Love Life


I’ve been reading Casanova’s autobiography as of late. It’s multiple volumes worth of his life adventures. In a lot of respects I admire him, as he was rarely afraid to stand against the tide and live the life he wanted. All too often we get caught on labels and forget to see things as they are.

We call him a womaniser yet simultaneously forget that he fell for a good number of the 133 girls he ended up with. I don’t think seduction is mutually exclusive with affection. There is a time and place for either one. Guys, contrary to all stereotype, get much too fixated in affection before sex. I think that’s our gender’s little secret. Whether we admit it or not, we can have a perfectly self sufficient sex life with the internet, we can see more naked women in an hour than the most depraved Roman Emperor in a lifetime. What we can’t get is affection, that is our true vice.

Nevertheless, historically speaking, it’s mostly been the other way around. Social bonds were strong with our peers, and thus we didn’t have such a deep seated longing for affection. Technology and modernity has disenfranchised us from what it meant to be social animals. For the most part, your role as a guy should be to attract a girl, before you attempt to gain any affection.

Lust ought to come before affection, as it has a much stronger influence on either of the sex’s initial and future behaviour. The biological imperative trumps anything. If you put the cart before the horse, madness ensues. Lust is power, it taps into the rawness of human emotion, into the most primal of the self. If you were to focus on love before lust, as a guy, you are the equivalent of a teddy bear who grows fangs and claws. The girl will see it for the ruse that it is, rather than as a show of power, and you’ll just look pathetic or creepy.

What you might not know is that the Beast was a smuggler a long time ago in a galaxy far away…

I’ve made the mistake before, and I don’t think it shall be the last time. Nevertheless, girls more than wanting to win in the arm’s race, want  a winner. It’s sort of why Beast, in Beauty and the Beast, is so alluring to some girls – he proves beyond a shadow of a doubt to be powerful, and is a person who lets his desires not be ignored, but after that he shows he can be kind, caring and gentle.

Strength of character is a trait sorely lacking in men these days, and I think it’s only going to get worse; for example in Japan there’s a growing number of men who’re “herbivores”, they’ve eschewed most social contact with the feminine world (61% of Japanese men in their twenties considered themselves as such), in the West we have the MGTOW. It’s why women have resorted to looking for strength of character in the most unlikely of places, as every convicted serial killer who gets a constant stream of marriage offers could attest to. If you manage to achieve true strength, then and only then, can you seek affection successfully, as you don’t put her on a pedestal and you interact as equals.

Let me put it in a slightly different way. Conventional wisdom tells you to bring flowers and chocolates on dates, and then during it you should focus on creating a deep bond with her. All sounds good and well. Yet, think of the man who ignores all that and ends up in bed with her an hour after they meet. Can he not then be affectionate much easier, when she’s lying naked on his bed and there’s no social conventions interrupting him? Would it not also be far more of a stronger bond as well?

I think the more we think we’re connecting over the net, the more we’re losing our core as human beings. We’re forgetting how to interact as people. Why’s Tinder one of the most popular dating apps, for example? To a great extent it eliminates the awkwardness of human interaction, and we consider that a positive.

netflixWe avoid awkwardness because it puts a mirror to us and we believe that this shows what failures we are as human beings. Smoothness is a myth. There’s no such thing as a cool person who always does things without awkwardness. The James Bond’s of the world do not exist. Not only that, but if they were to exist you wouldn’t want to hang out with them.

Can you imagine how grating it would be to hang around a person who solely communicates in sarcastic quips and isn’t willing to risk seeming silly? You don’t want that, and I sure as hell don’t want to be that. Uniqueness and beauty lies in the coarseness of things. The Japanese call this “Wabi-sabi,” or an appreciation of the transitory nature of life. By sandpapering all the edges, you end up with a homogeneous product with no life or personality of its own. I think it’s unsurprising that when you go on a Tinder date, rarely will you genuinely enjoy the other person’s personality to the same extent as if you’d met them on the street. What people show of themselves on social media is but an illusion, and thus there’s little on it that you could genuinely use to see whether you’d be a good fit for each other.

Is it really all that surprising that people feel lonely and depressed the more they use Facebook for their social contact? Truth is we enjoy the coarseness more than we care to admit. It’s a guilty pleasure. It’s why there can be a moment in time when on a date with a girl, when isolated, that placing her hand on your crotch can create so much excitement for both parties. We feel a jolt of emotion, and we are reminded what it is to be alive because we’re no longer in the homogenised routine existence.

Love is the bridge between lust and affection, there cannot be love in a romantic sense of the word without either component, as the structure would fall. It’s a careful balancing act. Nevertheless, the vast majority of people do not seem to realise this, which is why I think most of humanity is destined for a lonely existence as technology advances. All in all, I’m inclined to agree with Einstein in that I fear the day humanity will be overtaken by technology as we’ll lose what it is to be human. Hopefully, we can slowly build a counter-culture in future that could prove a bulwark against such influences.


Have you ever been in love?

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