Thoughts on the Past

Dear L,

I write this letter because tonight, as I was sitting stone-cold sober on my friend’s couch, whilst listening to him drunkenly ramble on about relationships, I made a horrifying discovery. This discovery struck me to the very core, like a speeding truck crashing against a brick wall. The realisation made me feel ill, nauseous even, and I desperately felt I had to do something. This letter is that something, as I think I need to bring some issues to light.

Tonight, I realised just how differently men and women view life. The realisation might seem somewhat banal, maybe somewhat silly, at first glance. Everyone has always known about these differences, but today it struck me that the same events could be interpreted as wildly different by men and women. I realised that this had happened throughout our relationship, and I think I owe you an apology. I believe life is about finding ephemera, about those fleeting moments when you experience something so intensely that the very thought of them make you excited to be alive. I’ve become obsessed with finding such moments, as the rest of life seems dull and drab in comparison.

Believe it or not, I had many such moments like that with you. I remember that first time we were at your place, and we ended up naked on the floor, as you feared that the noise that your bed made would alert your flatmates. Then, as if by magic, every muscle in your body started spasming, there was a buildup and then a burst of energy. You got your first ever orgasm that day, and I remember distinctly you holding me tightly, with a face so full of joy, that thinking about it today makes me happy, and puts a smile on my face from ear to ear.

I sincerely believe sex, among many other things, can be the ultimate expression of unity and happiness between two people. This is the reason I place such a high value on it – I see that loss of control and falling into pure passion as beautiful. Having said this, I now understand that men and women see happiness coming about in a different way. On more than one occasion, you begged me to go elsewhere on dates with you. I dutifully ignored such pleas, and in the end I think that might’ve played a major role in our separation. Back then, I crossed our separation off the list as inevitable, due to dissimilar values and life plans, and to a great extent it was, thus I unceremoniously moved on.

I look back though, and I realise that to an extent I failed you. I was so caught up in my solipsistic philosophy, that I failed to see the trees for the forest. I ignored the requests because I thought there was little to do in our town, and therefore I thought there was little to be gained from dates, as I was already being with you. Girls, whilst still very much enjoying sex, require other things as well to be truly happy.  I now realise that it was never about the worth of the activities, but it was about doing them together that would’ve given them value to you. I feel horrible thinking that I might not have given you that sense of awe and wonder that you gave me, which was well within my abilities of providing. I thought I was already giving you that most important aspect, which is why I paid little mind to your pleas. Please forgive me.

Yours truly,

-Richard

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